H.G. Wells
September 19th, 2005, 01:50 PM
27 REASONS TO KILL THE MONORAIL
with apologies to Greg Nickels, Casey Corr, Robert Jamieson, Richard Conlin, Martin Selig, that On Track guy, a bunch of old farts, and various owners of Hummers and SUVs.
Because the feeling of driving or riding in a car has
always been there for us, and as we feel the fat
thickening around our bones, year by year, we are
tired, and do not want to think of the four blocks to
the bus stop, the wait, even those ridiculous people
riding bicycles in the rain. It’s exhausting just to
think about it.
Because they all make us nervous, the mothers, the
children, the men with their sadness, their dirty
nails, the comment that invites in the shared
acknowledgement we all, huddled in the seats, are
waiting to die.
Because it is sad to go along the crowded streets, the
rush after work is too much, we want food, and
carpets, and silence and TV.
Because I work for my money and there’s a lot of
damned black (now I’m not saying all of them) lazy-ass
people, hell, a lot of white ones, Chinese or whatever
too, I’m just saying.
Because, you have to ask this, who would ride that
thing? Imagine them walking up your street, hating you
for what you have and wanting to take it. Sure, they
would.
Because every day you see some terrible thing on the
news, and if there’s more people around you, then it’s
that much more likely.
Because although I knew three kids in school who died
in crashes, and my college roommate’s mom, and my
uncle who was hit by a guy who fell asleep and was
killed instantly, but my uncle was OK after about a
hundred grand of medical bills and two years of
physical therapy, he’s just a little sore in the
evenings, and when I hit that Explorer it racheted up
my insurance by about $600 a year and on top of that
you know what my monorail tax came to? On top of
everything else?
Because it will smell. From the homeless, the poor
people.
Because I’m not going to ride that with everyone’s
damn kids. Hey, you know, you’re the one that got
knocked up. Plus in the car I can catch up on my calls
and play CDs.
Because why don’t they build a subway? I thought they
were building a subway, what happened to that?
Because I don’t want to have to look up in the sky at
it. Well, you can see around the powerlines and
telephone poles. Well, signs and stuff are there for a
reason. They’re advertising something.
Because did you know 60% of the money comes from just
15% of the taxpayers. Yeah, it’s based on the value of
the car. Now is that fair?
Because it ruins the streetscape. No, I don’t know
exactly what I mean by that.
Because I’ve never felt how wonderful and freeing it
can be to discover you’ve been wrong the whole time.
Because it’s like New York and Chicago and that’s what
I moved here to get away from.
Because if I just keep my head low I’ll probably be
governor/mayor/county executive/senator.
Because I’m all for doing something about global
warming, but why the hell should I have to pay for it?
Because the people they call dreamers? They bug the
**** out of me. They’re the dangerous ones. Look at
the Soviet Union.
Because I’m a liberal, don’t get me wrong, but it’s
always something, you know? I was there in the 60s and
frankly, I need a break from all this. I need a long
rest.
Because I grew up here, before all these people came
in wanting to change everything. I’m a Mariners fan.
That’s what’s really important to me.
Because I’m a Seahawks fan and I live in Tukwila
anyway, so I don’t really give a ****.
Because of the finance plan. No, the one they
abandoned. Well, Sound Transit did go 100% over budget
and only build half the line, yes, but that was an
agency started by the government, not something that
began in someone’s kitchen.
Because of the aesthetic considerations. I say that as
an architect. Speaking of aesthetics, Carlos, could
you get the leaf blower going on that driveway? Oh,
there goes my car alarm again. Sorry, I have to take
this call.
Because it’s as if the world is in this mad period
right now, and if we can just not block the terracotta
facades of those buildings down on Second Avenue,
people will be able to see the corporate heraldry of a
more refined age, and listen to Bach instead of
Eminem.
Because, I’ll admit this: I like to see big stuff like
this fail.
Because if it succeeded, I’d have to ask myself, what
have I done? And the answer would be, not much. Then
everything about my life would be put into question.
Because I’m pretty comfortable, for now.
with apologies to Greg Nickels, Casey Corr, Robert Jamieson, Richard Conlin, Martin Selig, that On Track guy, a bunch of old farts, and various owners of Hummers and SUVs.
Because the feeling of driving or riding in a car has
always been there for us, and as we feel the fat
thickening around our bones, year by year, we are
tired, and do not want to think of the four blocks to
the bus stop, the wait, even those ridiculous people
riding bicycles in the rain. It’s exhausting just to
think about it.
Because they all make us nervous, the mothers, the
children, the men with their sadness, their dirty
nails, the comment that invites in the shared
acknowledgement we all, huddled in the seats, are
waiting to die.
Because it is sad to go along the crowded streets, the
rush after work is too much, we want food, and
carpets, and silence and TV.
Because I work for my money and there’s a lot of
damned black (now I’m not saying all of them) lazy-ass
people, hell, a lot of white ones, Chinese or whatever
too, I’m just saying.
Because, you have to ask this, who would ride that
thing? Imagine them walking up your street, hating you
for what you have and wanting to take it. Sure, they
would.
Because every day you see some terrible thing on the
news, and if there’s more people around you, then it’s
that much more likely.
Because although I knew three kids in school who died
in crashes, and my college roommate’s mom, and my
uncle who was hit by a guy who fell asleep and was
killed instantly, but my uncle was OK after about a
hundred grand of medical bills and two years of
physical therapy, he’s just a little sore in the
evenings, and when I hit that Explorer it racheted up
my insurance by about $600 a year and on top of that
you know what my monorail tax came to? On top of
everything else?
Because it will smell. From the homeless, the poor
people.
Because I’m not going to ride that with everyone’s
damn kids. Hey, you know, you’re the one that got
knocked up. Plus in the car I can catch up on my calls
and play CDs.
Because why don’t they build a subway? I thought they
were building a subway, what happened to that?
Because I don’t want to have to look up in the sky at
it. Well, you can see around the powerlines and
telephone poles. Well, signs and stuff are there for a
reason. They’re advertising something.
Because did you know 60% of the money comes from just
15% of the taxpayers. Yeah, it’s based on the value of
the car. Now is that fair?
Because it ruins the streetscape. No, I don’t know
exactly what I mean by that.
Because I’ve never felt how wonderful and freeing it
can be to discover you’ve been wrong the whole time.
Because it’s like New York and Chicago and that’s what
I moved here to get away from.
Because if I just keep my head low I’ll probably be
governor/mayor/county executive/senator.
Because I’m all for doing something about global
warming, but why the hell should I have to pay for it?
Because the people they call dreamers? They bug the
**** out of me. They’re the dangerous ones. Look at
the Soviet Union.
Because I’m a liberal, don’t get me wrong, but it’s
always something, you know? I was there in the 60s and
frankly, I need a break from all this. I need a long
rest.
Because I grew up here, before all these people came
in wanting to change everything. I’m a Mariners fan.
That’s what’s really important to me.
Because I’m a Seahawks fan and I live in Tukwila
anyway, so I don’t really give a ****.
Because of the finance plan. No, the one they
abandoned. Well, Sound Transit did go 100% over budget
and only build half the line, yes, but that was an
agency started by the government, not something that
began in someone’s kitchen.
Because of the aesthetic considerations. I say that as
an architect. Speaking of aesthetics, Carlos, could
you get the leaf blower going on that driveway? Oh,
there goes my car alarm again. Sorry, I have to take
this call.
Because it’s as if the world is in this mad period
right now, and if we can just not block the terracotta
facades of those buildings down on Second Avenue,
people will be able to see the corporate heraldry of a
more refined age, and listen to Bach instead of
Eminem.
Because, I’ll admit this: I like to see big stuff like
this fail.
Because if it succeeded, I’d have to ask myself, what
have I done? And the answer would be, not much. Then
everything about my life would be put into question.
Because I’m pretty comfortable, for now.