Thanks For The Postcard, Now Go Fuck Your Mother

[Unregistered]

Hey dickhead, I got your postcard marking the 3-year anniversary of the day I kicked your sorry, pedophilic, unemployed, cheating-for-a-year-with-a-Jehovah's-Witness ass out of our marriage. How sad for you that you're still hung up on me, since I don't think about you at all. Sure I was crazy— crazy for ever putting your tiny prick in my mouth when most people wouldn't sit next to you on the bus. Even your J-Wit mistress regrets every second she spent with you. And I know about the 5 y.o. girl you asked to take off her pants when you were 16, you sick fuck.

You want to talk about crazy mothers? Let's look at your pitiful mom, who keeps enabling your obsessive-compulsive, narcissistic, antisocial personality because you've been the closest thing to a man in her life for the last 30 years. Walking around in front of you in her bra, all that incest erotica I found on your PC...doesn't take a calculator to add up that family dynamic.

Oh, and since I learned with the restraining order that physical violence is the only thing that truly scares your wimpy vegan ass, my dad and brother are ready to hop a plane to Olympia just to give you another heart attack if you ever bother me again, with any of your pathetic little schemes. I know you're laughing at the thought, but baby, just try me.

[idontreALLYCARE]

so, why not say it with flowers?

[Dee Snarl]

cheating-for-a-year-with-a-Jehovah's-Witness

That is hot.

I trust it all started with an unsolicited ring of the doorbell to convert his drunken, heathen ass? And then straight into monkey sex? If it didn't, don't tell me....

*waits for doorbell*

[Johnny Slick]

This guy who shagged the Jehovah's Witness, did he do it with a solid opening line when she came to his house? Because that would be really awesome.

"Have you witnessed Johnhova's Penis?"

"You have an extra book in your Bible; well, I have an extra inch on my penis."

"144,000 people in Heaven? Coincidentally, my penis is 144,000 millimeters long. Trust me, that's really long."

"Blah blah blah look the only way I'm converting is if you dress up like a schoolteacher and then hold me while I cry myself to sleep. Do you care about your quota or not? By the way I was homosexual before you knocked on the door, if that gets you extra points."

"I have a large penis and you no doubt have a large vagina. Would you like to engage in sexual intercourse? Since you are a Jehovah's Witness you likely don't know exactly what sexual intercourse is: suffice it to say it involves you dressing up like a schoolteacher and then holding me while I cry."

(speaks in tongues)

"He that loveth not, knoweth not God for God is Love. John 4:7-8. Let us fucketh."

You will notice that many of these opening lines reference penis size. This is by design. If the woman is particularly knowledgable about religion, it may help to refer to it as the "Lance of Longinus" even though it has never, technically speaking, pierced the side of a messiah (the anus not being located on the side of the body).