I Am Mr Sparkly Pants

[Mr Sparkly Pants]

*Very connected to the local music scene* Know everyone. Who's secretly gay (and secretly not gay). Who's doing too much white. Who's fucking who. Gotta question? Fire away.

[Brodeo]

Hmmm...not really that interested in knowing anything about the local music scene. Mostly cause it's pretty tepid at best right now.

Let's see. Most bands take themselves way too serious, don't know how to have fun on stage and are career dorks or future addicts.

That about covers it, no?

[ermac]

Hmmm...not really that interested in knowing anything about the local music scene. Mostly cause it's pretty tepid at best right now.

Let's see. Most bands take themselves way too serious, don't know how to have fun on stage and are career dorks or future addicts.

That about covers it, no?

i disagree! while there is definitely a fair share of haughty "we're so damn special we can't smile on stage" bands, there are definitely some bands around just to have a good time. the presidents are still around, aren't they?

[Mr Sparkly Pants]

i disagree! while there is definitely a fair share of haughty "we're so damn special we can't smile on stage" bands, there are definitely some bands around just to have a good time. the presidents are still around, aren't they?

*Boy Golly are the Presidents still around* And screwball-funny as ever.

Feel me here for a minute: Say you're in a packed club and that little baggie 'o blow is burning a hole in your shirt pocket, right? You can't do a rootskie outdoors. Too windy, too risky. Not the toilet, either. So obvious, not to mention pathetic. And forget about doing it anywhere inside the club, like all civilized at a booth or something. What do you think this is, 1981?

"So," you might be asking, "Where, Mr Sparkly Pants, can one retreat while inside Seattle's nightclubs, to do a quick snottle, undetected?"

Okay, fine. Here are a few places recommended by me, Mr Sparkly Pants.
Try not to be too conspicuous.

The Sunset.
When the headliner is on stage and the place is packed out, carefully disappear behind the curtain where all the bands have their drumkits and other gear jammed into the hallway. You'll notice a door right on the hallway (not the end door, this just goes to the bathroom hallway). Open it and go inside. No one will bother you. Grab a couple beers while you're in there, what the hell. And before you leave, consider a set of hi-hat cymbals. They pawn for $25-$60, they're easy to conceal, and no one will be watching them.

The Tractor.
Same thing, only you have to go unnoticed behind the stage without a lot of cover. This can be done during a big show. Go straight back to the loading dock. If it's a nice night, just jab a car key into your bindle and ram it into one of those very hungry nostrils of yours. If you'd rather take your time, there's a very cute little bathroom back there that says "Band Members Only" on the door. Just go in. It locks.

The Crocodile.
There is absolutely no way to do cocaine in the Crocodile, unless you know someone who can let you climb a ladder to the loft above the sound board.
If you are caught doing this and not a famous rock star you will be in big trouble, buster.

The Rendezvous.
This is one of the only bars where you can do cocaine almost anyplace you want. I'm not kidding.

So there you go. Periodically I'll swing by and answer any questions you might have.

Remember, Seattle is screamingly hip.
Be careful out there.

[Brodeo]

Mr. Sparkly,

I don't think you are breaking any news here. Are you trying to inform the uninformed? Why? People as cool as yourself already know those venues inside out and where to go and when. Next you are going to tell me something crazy like, the Cha Cha is a great place to meet rock stars or that their is a hidden band room in the basement of Neumos.

Do you write for *Three Imaginary Girls? Is that how come you know all the ins and outs of rockstardom?

*Hardy har har...

[Mr Sparkly Pants]

*Yo nigga* tell it to your group. But remember it's only your turn to talk when you're in possession of the circle's Talking Stick.

[whatup]

You can too do the white stuff at the Croc. You just can't get caught. If you're a girl, do it while you're sitting in a stall. If you're a guy, I don't know what you should do, because I am not a guy and like three of my friends have been kicked out of the Croc for such things.

As long as you're not a complete moron, you can do drugs anywhere. But I actually think that the huge rise in coke use in Seattle is a super negative thing, both for the scene and for the people involved. It's not a happy drug folks. And this is coming from someone who has done more than their fair share, by a long shot.

[Brodeo]

The Croc is a tough place to be deviant. I've been kicked out twice for various transgressions. I wouldn't advise trying anything in the men's bathroom. They have security guards check it every couple of minutes and they peek in the stalls.

Just sayin'...

[NME]

*Very connected to the local music scene* Know everyone. Who's secretly gay (and secretly not gay). Who's doing too much white. Who's fucking who. Gotta question? Fire away.

Alrighty, I am holding your little circle-jerk stick now. You don't know me and I don't know you, so what the hell makes you think you are so very connected to the local music scene? Just cause you know where to fry your brain in a couple of clubs? Go to the Central or the Lakepoint or Studio 7 or the Catwalk or Jimmy Z and try to steal some cymbals to support your coke habit so I can laugh while you get your coke infested brain bashed in. Anyone who would steal from a band or steal from anyone, for that matter, is a dirtball. Better yet, do everyone a favor and just stay out of the clubs altogether and stop claiming to know anything about anything. Here's your frickin stick back. You should go do a line now so you can come up with some oh-so-interesting response.

[Jef]

Grab a couple beers while you're in there, what the hell. And before you leave, consider a set of hi-hat cymbals. They pawn for $25-$60, they're easy to conceal, and no one will be watching them.
.
you better hope I dont catch your stupid coke monkey ass ripping bands off,it WILL be the last time anyone hears about you,douchnozzle.

[DumDog]

Damn dudes!

Are you two that stupid that you thought that was a serious post...

And before you leave, consider a set of hi-hat cymbals. They pawn for $25-$60, they're easy to conceal, and no one will be watching them.

NME you've already proven yourself here but other dude, come on, cymbals, easy to conceal. HELLO?

[Mr Sparkly Pants]

you better hope I dont catch your stupid coke monkey ass ripping bands off,it WILL be the last time anyone hears about you,douchnozzle.

Oh, hi Jef with one "f".
Thanks for weighing in with your comments, folks!
Sorry I couldn't get back to you all sooner. I've been in rehab.
Kidding!

Okay, on with business:

1. Why do some of you dorks think that just because I steal guitars and cymbals while their owners are off posing and drinking, and just because I like blow (sometimes speed, sometimes crack or spike) that this magically makes you mightier in battle? If any of you frog-lipped hipsters came near me in the slightest cocky way, I'd hammer a chair or pitcher onto your monkey-skulled heads before you could say "right on."
Pussies.

2. And highhat cymbals along with basically anything under 14" is easy to rip. Admittedly since summer's coming this game is a bit tougher.
I wonder if any "musicians" even noticed the last time I got their duffle full of cords and effects. Anyone missing a certain purple distortion pedal fom their gig at the Central? FYI it pawned for $30. The whole bag brought me $90 cash.

Have a Sparkly weekend!

[poochiekafelnikov]

breed...carry spawn in front loaded chest pouch...attend weekend farmer's markets...purchase judiciously...stop wearing jesus jones t ironically...get very busy...shut it on down

[Mr Sparkly Pants]

breed...carry spawn in front loaded chest pouch...attend weekend farmer's markets...purchase judiciously...stop wearing jesus jones t ironically...get very busy...shut it on down

Poochie, I'm liking the way you think.