Sorry for the Finger o' Spooge

My dear female friend and housemate: I'm a guy and despite my healthy
sex life with others, I do, from time to time, masturbate. You should know this about me. Not for prurient reasons—I don't think we're attracted to each other. You should know this for your own safety. The other morning after I "called down for some mayo" and didn't have any Kleenex handy, I simply wrapped a towel around my waist and attempted a silent dash for the shower. I know you were just being friendly and cute when you jumped out of the doorway to surprise me, but for your own safety I have to advise you to keep your "coochie-coo" belly-button-ticklin' finger out of mine. I tried to grab it and turn away, but you were too fast and I'm fairly certain you got a fingerful. If by chance you had your own little "tip toe through the two lips" while I was in the shower, um...I hope your period isn't late.